24 October 2014

Today I will quit

Today I will quit. My job and my bad habits. Once I have quit my job, my bad habits will practically quit themselves, since it is only my job which gives them to me.

For example, if it is true that it is my job which gives me cause to, say, smoke cigarettes, then it is also true that it is my job which gives me what is needed, besides cause, to continue smoking, that is - money. Therefore, if I quit my job, I will have neither cause nor money to smoke.

But that my bad habits give me more bad habits is a problem that may or may not be resolved by quitting my job.

For example, smoking cigarettes makes me worry about money. So to quit smoking I must quit my job in order not to have the money to smoke. Yet, if I quit my job and therefore quit smoking, the degree to which I worry about money will, even though I will have quit smoking, continue to increase because I will have no money, which will only make more money to worry about.

So today I will quit money!

But it will not quit me.

So: today I will quit fantasising about quitting my job and quitting my bad habits. I will work hard like a simple machine and smoke like a simpler one still. Since it is true that quitting my job would make me worry more about money, then it is true that not quitting my job would set my money at ease. I will transform habits deemed 'bad' into habits deemed 'neutral' and commit to them for better or worse. This commitment will sap from me the exact amount of energy required for me to sleep at night without worrying. So, if I do not quit my job, or therefore smoking, I will have neither cause nor energy to worry. This will be called balance which will also be called adulthood.

Today I will begin going with the flow. Like money or rivers. I will shrug my shoulders at droughts and floods. I will be a quiet leaf floating on a running stream weaving through a verdant forest. I will be a popular lifestyle blog and I will move, despite themselves, even the most cynical of hearts. I will encourage them to flow with me. They will begin all their new sentences with, 'I know it's cheesy but...'. This will become nature, second nature and natural. It will be called language and we will be encouraged to use it to express ourselves. 

Today I will find great reverberations of wisdom and freedom in the small arc described between hand and mouth. Every morsel will be so ripe with calculation that I will taste each penny I have earned turning into each penny I have spent and this will be flavour. I will close my eyes with nourishment and wait for excretion. I will be in relation to all things from seed to sewer.

Today I will be as wide eyed and high as the emoji of the smiling turd. I will know and like my place. My smile will be the smile of the glorious detached. I will coil around myself needing only my own coiling body to support my own coiling body, needing only my own coiling body to support my smile, my eyes, my vision. This will feel yogic. Like the bliss of a body laid flat on a mat like a children's rhyme, like naptime, like storytime, like 'me time'. My own hand will stroke my own brow. I will call myself mother and that will be enough.

Today I will find the precise number of goji berries required to ensure a constantly cleansed and purified body. On that day, which is today, I will not concern myself with the cost of a 100g bag of goji berries because I am my own mother and that is enough. Whether or not I like the taste of goji berries will be so far from the reason I will eat them that they may as well taste like my own turdish body which they are rapidly becoming.

Today, and because I can, because I did not quit my job, I will pay £80 for 50 minutes of psychotherapy and with each pound spent the therapist will bring me close but never quite close enough to locating the root of the anxious feeling in the pit of my goji berry lined stomach. This will feel like what is called love because it will be two people alone in a room torturing each other because they think there is a secret. I know already but do not have the time to realise that my being able to be here at all is the same reason I am here at all and it is not the pit of my stomach but the pit of the world's stomach that is squirming in anxiety.

Today I will quit writing. It is interfering with the neutral commitments of my job and my smoking. I am tired of all my books getting filled with tiny, desperate, repeating, failed budgets in preparation for when I will quit my job which I will not quit. Soon I will feel only one clear quick emotion at a time and it will look like an emoji. It will not linger, it will have no effect and it will not need to be written or spoken about. Therefore I will become punctual or better, stable. There will be no waves, no clouds, no storms, no volcanic ashes, no rivers of lava, no heat, no ice, no wetness, no dryness, no lust, no blood, no moods, no straddling. I will seal into a simple logo: no more tears. I will be a quiet leaf floating on a running stream weaving through a verdant forest.

Today I will quit writing.

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